Related Episodes: Marriage Marriage the Priority in Motherhood with Glori Winder, Being a Special Mom of Special Needs Kids with Julie Holmquist, Surviving as a Single Mom with Annie Quinnell, Restoring Joy in Motherhood with Winfree Brisley, The No Judgment Zone: Honest Motherhood with Becky Kopitzke, Anchored Motherhood with Tina Smith, The Fight for Relationships, Jesus: The Rest in our Busy, Identity: What You’re Not, Identity: Unveiled

Merritt Onsa’s journey to motherhood was unconventional. After bouts of infertility, she and her husband decided to pursue embryo adoption (check out an episode here on this as well). Like many mothers who have been through infertility, she entered this part of her life with expectations and hopes of how motherhood would look. Of course, it hasn’t quite gone that way. Like all women, and especially moms, she has learned that she needs to work on finding her true identity as well as identify her idols in motherhood. God has been so gracious in that and reminded her that she doesn’t have to measure her motherhood by anyone else’s. God has His own plan for hers and yours.

Merritt is passionate about helping women find their God-shaped dreams. Please note: she does not say God SIZED but God SHAPED. That includes finding our identity, God’s purpose in our lives, and help give us the tools to achieve them. Merritt believes in you and loves to remind you that God promises to finish the work that He began in us. Look below for her resources!

Zephaniah 3:17 – The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing.

Resources:
Website: https://www.merrittonsa.com/
Podcast: The Devoted Dreamers Podcast
Facebook: @merritonsa
Instagram: @merrittjo

• I am not a relationship expert. This episode is not meant to give relationship advice, but to change your perspective of relationships.
• To be on the same page, the definition I’m using for relationship is: The way two or more people or groups regard and behave toward others. These relationships range from romantic, family (close family and extended), friends, coworkers, to the waiter you always get at your favorite restaurant.
• Genesis 2:18- Then the LORD God said “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”In all of His creating, man being alone is the first time that God said: “It is not good.”
  • We are not meant to live life alone, tucked away, isolated. We are such independent people, but the one thing we just can’t fix by ourselves is loneliness.
• Ecclesiastes 4:7-12- I observed yet another example of something meaningless under the sun. This is the case of a man who is all alone, without a child or a brother, yet works hard to gain as much wealth as he can. But then he asks himself, “Who am I working for? Why am I giving up so much pleasure now?” It is all so meaningless and depressing. Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
• We live in a world of connectedness-with texting, social media, the news, the world doesn’t seem quite so big and distant anymore. I personally have 1,220 friends on Facebook right now.
  • This proves that if you are looking to find people, you don’t have to look hard to find them.
  • However, despite having millions of people available literally at your fingertips, loneliness is rampant.
  • The UK has declared loneliness an epidemic and a hazard to human health. It increases inflammation, cancer, and diabetes. One study even stated that the amount of stress hormones released from loneliness is as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day! We are so designed for relationships that our bodies are dramatically affected when we don’t have them!
• Lysa Terkeust recently had an apropos post on Facebook: Alone. That’s how Satan wants us. Alone with our own tangled thoughts. Alone with whispered lies that start to sound more and more and more like truths. Separated from the very people who could speak courage into our deep places flirting with discouragement and defeat. Separated from friends who could let us stand on their faith when our own gets a little shaky. The enemy knows if he can isolate us, he can intimidate us. Confuse us. Deceive us. And ultimately, make us believe that the safer paths in life are ones apart from God and our friends who serve God.
• We spend a lot of time on social media. How do you spend your time? Do you compare yourself to others? Do you thrive on getting likes and comments? We live in a world of constant communication, so much that I feel we’ve lost the art of making, keeping, and deepening relationships.
  • Relationships are a dime and dozen, in my opinion. I would argue that many people think relationships have basically become disposable.
• I recently polled my friends to see what their biggest issues with making new friends are. The main 3 were:
  • Social anxiety- this is a real thing! Please get help if this affects you. There are many people out there trained to help and would love to get you more comfortable with people.
  • Awkwardness- the good news is that everyone else is awkward too! However, with all things awkward: they get better with practice. Yes, there may be bumps and bruises along the way, but the more you try the easier it will become.
  • Time- This is a hard one! Sometimes you need to get creative. Finding apps that help you communicate in your own time (Marco Polo and Voxer). Be willing to get an hour less sleep a couple of times a month to meet for coffee dates. My favorite was playdates where we helped each other cook or clean. If being too busy is part of your problem, check out this episode to get a new perspective of the rest that Jesus gives us.
  • I’ve decided to add one more: expectations. Expectations are ok within reason. It is not reasonable to expect people to read your mind, that there will never be conflict, or that people will feel the same way about things that you do. It is reasonable to expect to be treated with respect and to have quality time. However, you cannot expect people to read your mind. You need to communicate expectations, and I bet you will find that people are both surprised and willing to work with you!
• If you want to find new or deepen existing relationships, you need to be willing to sacrifice. CS Lewis talks about Agape love in his book The Four Loves. He describes it as the unconditional “God” love that is always good in all circumstances. It is a self-sacrificing love, selfless. We need to go into all relationships being willing to give mercy, to meet others on their terms and not our own.
• John 15:12-13- This is my commandment: love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
  • The original Greek word for “lay down” is tithimi. It has two meanings: to die, as Jesus died for us. The other is to set down, lay aside (as used in John 13:4 where Jesus set his garment aside to wash the disciple’s feet). We need to take our selves, our desires, and place them to the side to care for and love those friends that God has put in our life.
  • We need to remember that we don’t have the power to change people. The best way to start repairing our relationships is to start on our selves. The marriage ministry re|engage calls this “staying in your circle.”
  • You need to start practicing communication to understand others, not only to be understood.
• Your identity is not defined by your relationships! You are not more valuable because you have a significant other. You are not defined by how much people like you. You are not more important if you have the most Facebook friends. You are not a failure if social situations are uncomfortable.
• The only person that your identity lies with is the One who made you in His image, to be relational.
• Ephesians 4:1-4- Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowances for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to help yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future.